A Word About Control

Control becomes a major theme in many divorces. In the course of resolving a conflict, whether by negotiation or through court intervention, it’s not unusual for a client to ask, “Why does she get to control everything?” or “Why does he always get his way?” or “Why should I give in to her?” If you find yourself asking some version of these questions, you are probably focusing on the wrong thing.

One of the most difficult truths is that a loss of control is inherent in divorce. Suddenly, decisions that were once yours alone become the judge’s. Your spouse will be entitled to input in matters that, previously, he had nothing to do with. In the course of negotiation or litigation, you’ll get your way sometimes; other times you’ll feel your spouse has won. Often, you’ll find yourself giving something to get something in return. This constant give and take over the simplest things is tiring but necessary.

Divorce can change the balance of power in a relationship. Often these changes are positive and long-overdue. A husband who believes his income and investments are none of his wife’s business will be required to give his wife and her attorney any information they ask for about income, bank accounts, his business (if he is a business owner) and other assets. Even though he proclaims his wife is entitled to nothing because he was the bread-winner, his wife will probably receive at least half of everything, with some support thrown in for good measure. A mother who believes her husband can’t possibly care for the children properly will probably find herself packing suitcases and kissing the kids goodbye at least every other weekend and on alternating holidays. Sometimes people actually become better parents when given the opportunity.

You will stay saner and more effective during your divorce if you focus on the end result rather than on control or winning every skirmish. When faced with a request or demand from your spouse, ask yourself what you really want in the long run. My guess would be that your long-term goal has nothing to do with control, but probably more with having meaningful time with happy, healthy children, being able to maintain a decent standard of living and completing your divorce in a reasonable time at a reasonable cost. If giving him his way will ultimately get you closer to your goal, do it, move on and if you find yourself complaining that he always gets his way remind yourself that that’s why you’re getting divorced.

How does mediation work?

I’m back to blogging after a fun, too short, summer.

If you are considering divorce, no doubt you have heard or read something about mediation. Mediation is either entered into voluntarily or it is ordered by the court. In Kalamazoo and many other counties in Michigan divorcing parties are ordered to attempt to resolve their case through mediation before they can have a trial in front of a judge. This blog entry will explain court-ordered mediation.

Different mediators have different training and different styles, but the goal of all mediation is the same: to help the parties reach a settlement on all of the issues in dispute and AVOID turning decisions about their money, their kids and the rest of their lives over to a judge. Despite the temporary insanity caused by divorce, most people remain sane enough to want to maintain some control over the outcome of their case.

A typical mediation in Kalamazoo County occurs toward the end of your case. If you have kids, you must wait six months before your divorce can be final. If you don’t have kids, the waiting period is two months. Mediation typically occurs toward the end of the waiting period.

At court-ordered mediation, you and your attorneys will meet with a third person, usually an attorney, who is also a mediator. The mediator will talk with all of you in varying combinations, sometimes separating each side – you and your attorney in one room; your spouse and his or her attorney in another – at times talking to just the attorneys and at times talking to everyone in the same room. A successful mediation will create an outcome that is fair to both parties. Neither party will feel like a winner and neither party will feel like a loser.

Mediation is preferable to a court imposed decision for many reasons: You know more about your assets, debts and kids than a judge could ever know in a day or two of trial. You know what will work best for you and your family. You and your spouse are the architects of a mediated decision. A decision after a trial is not your own – it’s imposed on you. A trial will inevitably involve some degree of “mud-slinging” and makes winning, rather than fairness, the ultimate goal. Your private history is splashed out in a public forum for all to see and the hard feelings engendered by a trial can linger for years. Just when it’s most important to re-define your relationship and work together for the benefit of your kids; a trial can leave you and your spouse licking your wounds and more alienated than ever from one another.

I think mediation is the best way to settle your case and I steer clear of clients who want to sit in a witness box and tell the world how bad their spouse is. Whether I’m acting as mediator or an attorney for one of the parties, I always find a successful mediation rewarding. My only complaint about court-ordered mediation is that it doesn’t happen soon enough. I’ll talk about the benefits of early mediation in another entry.