Control becomes a major theme in many divorces. In the course of resolving a conflict, whether by negotiation or through court intervention, it’s not unusual for a client to ask, “Why does she get to control everything?” or “Why does he always get his way?” or “Why should I give in to her?” If you find yourself asking some version of these questions, you are probably focusing on the wrong thing.
One of the most difficult truths is that a loss of control is inherent in divorce. Suddenly, decisions that were once yours alone become the judge’s. Your spouse will be entitled to input in matters that, previously, he had nothing to do with. In the course of negotiation or litigation, you’ll get your way sometimes; other times you’ll feel your spouse has won. Often, you’ll find yourself giving something to get something in return. This constant give and take over the simplest things is tiring but necessary.
Divorce can change the balance of power in a relationship. Often these changes are positive and long-overdue. A husband who believes his income and investments are none of his wife’s business will be required to give his wife and her attorney any information they ask for about income, bank accounts, his business (if he is a business owner) and other assets. Even though he proclaims his wife is entitled to nothing because he was the bread-winner, his wife will probably receive at least half of everything, with some support thrown in for good measure. A mother who believes her husband can’t possibly care for the children properly will probably find herself packing suitcases and kissing the kids goodbye at least every other weekend and on alternating holidays. Sometimes people actually become better parents when given the opportunity.
You will stay saner and more effective during your divorce if you focus on the end result rather than on control or winning every skirmish. When faced with a request or demand from your spouse, ask yourself what you really want in the long run. My guess would be that your long-term goal has nothing to do with control, but probably more with having meaningful time with happy, healthy children, being able to maintain a decent standard of living and completing your divorce in a reasonable time at a reasonable cost. If giving him his way will ultimately get you closer to your goal, do it, move on and if you find yourself complaining that he always gets his way remind yourself that that’s why you’re getting divorced.
